For the most part, I’ve been single since college. I’ve gone on dates, even dated for a couple months, but nothing really stuck. Which means for the past nine years of my life since my college days, most of my energy hasn’t gone to being in a relationship. I’ve had ample time to figure out this single thing and ample time to prepare for marriage.

That last sentence may seem weird to some of you. Marriage isn’t a guarantee. It’s become more and more rare in my generation…or at least, it’s happening later and later. And since I’m in the more traditional school of thought when it comes to dating, I haven’t wandered around the last 9 years asking men to marry me (something my fiancé is very thankful for).

Instead, I focused on becoming the best me I could be, hoping that one day that would be a blessing when I transitioned into marriage. Well, the time has arrived. I’m 25 days away from walking down the aisle to my guy. As I reflect on my single years, I wouldn’t change how I handled them. They taught me A LOT. And if you know a single adult or are one, I hope these 5 lessons will encourage you, too.

1. Know who you are. Like who you are. Be who you are.

I’ve wrestled with a lot of insecurity my whole life—with body image, or parts of my personality, or what people think of me. Truthfully, part of singleness has been learning to love and celebrate who God made me. When I got hired at my first job, one of my coworkers told me, “never forget you have unlimited potential.” I have that hanging over my desk, but I’ve added one line to it: “and you serve a limitless God.”

If you are into personalities, I’m an enneagram 4w5, INFJ, SCD, golden retriever…I could go on. But I have learned and continue to learn that who and how God made me is GOOD and a gift, and I need to steward that in a way that blesses others. It means working on body image issues in singleness so my husband doesn’t bear the weight of that in marriage. Currently, it is fun to celebrate how much the Lord has shifted my heart towards how I see myself. While my fiancé is quick with affirmation and praise, I don’t need it to feel approved of, known, or valued. I know to whom I belong. So when J compliments me, it is an added bonus, not something that drives how I view myself.

Learning to own who and how God made me has also looked like investing deeply in writing, creating, and encouraging others in their gifting and wirings. Know who you are. Like who you are. Be who you are. It will be a GIFT to your spouse. But it’s a gift NOW in singleness, too!

2. Find your people.

Find your people…the ones who love you, are for you, and can talk strongly to you and still walk away with relationship intact. My biggest cheerleaders aren’t afraid to love me by leaning in when I’m being stupid. In fact, they know that is one of the most loving things they can do for me.

One of the biggest fails in singleness is only spending time with people who think, act, and like what you do. I’ve been part of a couple of groups since college, and the richest relationships have come from people I never expected to spend time with. Spending time with people who are different is a gift.

Your spouse won’t be like you. They won’t like all the same things. They will come from a different background with a different way of thinking, behaving, and feeling. Don’t quit relationships that are different. Don’t walk away when it’s hard. Practice leaning in in singleness so you know the value of fighting for a good thing in your marriage.

3. Invest deeply in something outside yourself.

News flash: life isn’t about you. Even singleness. You have more time now than you will ever have. Give your life away to something or someone outside yourself. Volunteer. Support a cause. See a need, meet a need. I have tons of ideas if you need one.

J and I met on a volunteer team of about 40 young adults (shout out to Team Sidewalk!). We showed up every Tuesday night to give of our time and energy to love and invest in young adults in our city. We believe in our generation. We sank our roots in deep. And our paths just happened to cross. Our relationship began by committing to something that is bigger than us. That’s something we both want to take into our marriage.

4. Practice discipline, responsibility, and commitment. Starting today.

Practice discipline. Practice staying. Find a job, and commit. Don’t quit when it gets hard. I started as an entry level writer in my company. Over time I was promoted to Project Manager, then Content Manager, then interim Director of Communications, and now the Director of Content. I don’t say any of that to brag. It has been and still is a massive learning curve for me on a daily basis. There are times when it is extremely hard and I want to quit. I go home exhausted and drained. But I have grown more through this job than most others. When I started, I mentally committed to three years. I wanted to know I could commit and stick. I’m going on eight years now. I have grown in discipline and responsibility, and much of that is due to staying when it was hard or messy.

Outside of work, I meal prep on Sundays, regularly workout, read, volunteer, and even build in time to rest. I work hard, but I have learned and am still learning the beauty of boundaries. Practice now! Start with one thing today. Daily practices lead to habits! You will be a blessing to your friends, coworkers, boss, and maybe one day, your spouse.

5. Grow deep roots.

“Who is God?” Truthfully, I believe that is a fundamental and vital concept to wrestle with, especially in your single years. I realize you and I may differ on the answer to this question. But, this is a safe space. I would love to know your thoughts. Here’s what I have experienced and seen to be true: what you believe about God will impact everything about you. It will form how you view people, how you manage your time, how you treat your job, how you handle money, how you process politics and cultural issues.
I grew up in church all my life. I was a rule follower, the girl who shared Jesus (slightly aggressively) in my middle school cafeteria, a pastor’s kid. And when life threw me a curve ball in college, I realized I knew a lot about the God of the Bible, but I needed to a learn a little more about WHO He is and not just WHAT He has done. And I needed to test and see if I found His character to be true.

So I started choosing different character traits. Do I believe God is loving? I spent a year digging into that, and it is the ultimate question I answered in Surrendered. Do I believe He is good? That’s the main question I wrestled with in Shaken. Do I believe He sees and understands and cares? I wrestled with that in Shadowed. Do I believe He controls all things? I wrestled with that when I lost several family members and two more were diagnosed with cancer in the space of just months. Do I believe that He is who He says He is and that He did what He said He did – came to die for the sins of the world, was buried in a tomb, and came back to life three days later?

I spent my single years studying the character of God. And with each of life’s curve balls, I found Him to be true, loving, good, just, sovereign, and so much more. You and I may disagree on who God is, but I would beg that you not allow circumstances to dictate your belief. Take time to do your homework. Message me. I would love to talk with you. If you are single or love a single adult, this lesson would be my greatest challenge for you: Spend your singleness, heck, spend your life learning about the God of the Bible. If you get married, it will influence everything about you, every view you have about your spouse, and every moment of your marriage.

Singleness is an incredible gift. And I know so many long for the season to end. Wherever you find yourself, I pray you don’t waste it.